Caring for Others
Industrial Age. Machine Age. Space Age. Information Age. Our current information age is dominated by the internet and social media. Information is more than abundant; we are in overload. No matter which social media platform is your personal poison, you may be greeted with solutions for staying young forever – younger skin, younger brain, younger body. The eternal quest for youth helps the sale of vitamins, gummies, workout programs, diets, fitness equipment and devices, and even specialized concierge medical practices that promise longevity.
Chances are, though, especially if you are over 50, you have an elderly parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle or other loved one, who is aging and possibly past the point where these magic “cures” (or potions, if you prefer), will help reverse the aging process. If this is the case, there is a good possibility that you may be called upon to help care for them, especially if you are an only child, or have sibling(s) without the ability to care for an elderly parent or other relative.
At first, it seems like a small task. You need to take a parent to a doctor’s appointment or medical procedure. Perhaps you purchase groceries for them, as I did with my mother throughout the COVID pandemic. I picked up groceries and prescriptions and used Instacart to have groceries delivered, since she lived 45 minutes away from me. I checked in regularly. As she began to have some health issues, I would take her to doctor’s appointments. Then, I would attend physical therapy appointments with her. My husband and I did what we could to “rig” her home for safety. After several falls, we decided to move her closer to us. I was very fortunate that my mother possessed all her mental faculties and was alert, engaged and involved.
After my mother’s third or fourth fall, when we received late evening phone calls (“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”), it became very clear that I needed to take a much more active role in her care. I needed to attend doctor visits, ask lots of questions, “translate” for my mother who was hard of hearing, and sometimes play parent. I could google magic cures for arthritis, immobility, lethargy, depression, or any other common elderly ailments, but at this point, the best thing I could do was ensure she got good care.
Aging can be a slow process, until it isn’t. Once your parent or other loved one begins to decline, the rate of the decline can be exponential. One day, they’re going to the theatre and within months, they are struggling just to get in and out of a car. One day, they are delighting in dining at a favorite restaurant and the next day, they have no appetite and don’t feel like eating anything, except, perhaps, some ice cream. One day they are engaged talking about a movie, book, TV show, or politics, and the next day they are crying because “everything hurts.”
I was fortunate when I was dealing with my mother’s aging process because several of my friends were going through the same thing. My dear friend who was a former colleague and current business partner, was going through the same thing with his parents, in-laws, and brother. We spent countless hours comparing notes, sending photos to each other of wheelchairs, safety bars for bathrooms, elevated toilet seats, and comparisons of diagnoses, most frequently urinary tract infections. Our conversations helped immensely. They reinforced that I was not alone, and also not unique. Caring for an elderly relative is commonplace and, sadly, we should all anticipate that we may one day be thrust into the role of caregiving. As a result, it is wise to plan.
I lost my mother in 2024. She was my best friend and role model. She worked until she was 80 years old, was sharp as a tack, very interested in politics and an avid UCLA basketball and football fan. She passed away just before her 96th birthday. Helping to care for her in her last two or three years was time consuming and often frustrating. I had lost my sister more than twenty years earlier, so I didn’t have a sibling to lean on. I take nothing for granted and am eternally grateful to my wonderful husband for his help and support. In my mother’s last days, she shared how well she thought we were taking care of her (along with, of course, the incredible professional caregivers at the nursing home and hospitals where she spent her last months). I would do everything all over again to have more time with her, but I would try to do it with a little less grumbling.
After my experience and all my business partner and I learned from each other, we decided to write a book that has been two years in the making. It is the “Survival Guide to Caring for Elderly Parents: Maintain Your Sanity While Navigating the Maze of Healthcare, Living, and Financial Options.” There were few books like this while I was caring for my mother and, in the two years it took to get our book written, edited, improved, and published, several similar guides emerged. This just confirms that people caring for their aging parents and loved ones need all the help they can get.